Detours

Ah, I haven’t posted in a long time. Perhaps it is because I have been busy. That’s what I have told myself anyways. But the truth is, I have been struggling again. I have taken a detour from my recovery. It feels good to admit this fault, this step back in my recovery. But don’t worry, I still have a strong will to beat this thing, to get E.D. out of my head once and for all. E.D. has gained more control, I am allowing him to talk me down more and more, but today I need to bring my strong willed self back. 

E.D. has almost won this battle before, and E.D. is trying to win again. Trying to gain full control over me so that I can only see the negative things about myself and only listen to him. But I am still in there. It’s as if E.D. is a demon trying to possess my mind. E.D. wants me to lose sight of my own voice, and go back to the time when I could only hear him. During this time, I thought the E.D. voice was my own. But now I can recognize E.D. and differentiate him from myself. This is a big step in the recovery of an eating disorder (still hard for me to admit). 

This morning, I could hear E.D. He was telling me I look “fat” in my clothes so I should only eat a bite of food all day or I should just not eat at all. “Kirby, you drank alcohol this weekend! That stuff just sits on your stomach and makes you fat. I am glad you didn’t eat much yesterday, so continue that today. You have to be skinny.” –this is all I hear from him. All E.D. wants is for me to only get skinnier and skinnier, but when does it end? I will never be able to make E.D. happy. I will never be good enough for E.D.

So here I am, admitting I have fallen short. Telling myself I need to get back in this battle with E.D. I have to get back on the road to recovery. I know I have taken a slight detour, but once I admitted this, I know I am back. Today, I will eat a healthy amount of food and I will tell myself I am strong enough to finally end this unhealthy relationship with E.D. I have to end it so  I can love myself again. Everyone deserves to be happy and comfortable in their own skin, even me!!!!!

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Who to blame?

As I continue with therapy and this struggle with E.D. and negative body image, I cannot help but try to understand where this began. My parents always ask if they did something wrong at some point…but the truth is there is no one to blame in my case. Some people get this bad relationship with E.D. because something happened in their lives to invite E.D. to be in control, but for me, I cannot remember anything that specifically triggered it. As far back as I can remember, I have had E.D. in my life. The voice telling me I am too fat, not good enough, and all other negative things you can possibly imagine; has been with me. I do not remember a time, unless as a young child, that I have felt good in my own skin.

I remember when I was in about 4th grade, I felt “fat” next to my cousins on the beach. 4th GRADE…..That is not even right. I also remember in 5th grade and middle school, before a dance, not eating so I could feel as skinny as possible. E.D. is an evil voice, and takes advantage of any situation he can begin a relationship with us. It is scary how long I have suffered from this, and how many of us do suffer from it. We need to each take a stand and make E.D. back down. He cannot have control of our minds anymore. I know I say this very often, but it needs to be done.

My first thought is always to see where this came from, or what I can blame…. the social media, my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me, ect… But the truth is…. instead of finding who to blame for my allowing E.D. into my life, I need to look E.D. in the eyes and tell him to GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!! I have got to punch him down and fight him, once and for all!! This is my life, I deserve to be happy! And so does everyone!!!!!!! Each of us deserves to look in the mirror and be content with who we are. Maybe more than content even, just to say wow I am a beautiful person inside and out! It will take a lot of hard work, a lot of tears, a lot of anger, and some days will be harder than others, but I am going to get better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a quote for the day: “The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.” ― Diane Von Furstenberg

 

ED is not in control

So, this morning I woke up before my alarm to a horrible dream. I know E.D. was in control of this dream, because in this I was told by my therapist, Lauri, that I am not skinny enough to have an eating disorder. What? Not skinny enough? Will I ever be skinny enough?

When I woke up, I felt very down on myself at first, then I realized that I did not think of this dream, E.D. made me have this dream. The E.D. voice in my head is realizing that I am learning to separate from it. E.D. is learning that I am beginning to have a few short moments where I am in control. Of course, I used to never have moments where I was in control. So to have a few minutes every day where I can hear my own voice and separate from E.D. is a step towards recovery.

I know I am not super skinny like people assume girls who have eating disorders are. E.D. wants me to think I need to get that skinny, but when will it end? I am realizing that no matter how much weight I lose, or how much I work out and eat healthy, E.D. will never be happy. It is impossible to completely satisfy E.D.

In therapy today, I told Lauri about not feeling that I have an Eating disorder because I am not super skinny, and that I know I have body image problems but does this put me in the eating disorder category? She said that having the relationship I do with food does put me in that category. My constant battle between eating “normal” and then restricting/purging food is most certainly just that!

So today, I told E.D. to stay out of my dreams. They are the one place I have that I can let myself think and imagine. So E.D….. YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF ME! I AM GOING TO GET RID OF YOU!!!!!!!

Setbacks, how to conquer them

I hate to say I failed because that would mean I gave up on overcoming my E.D. (still hard to admit)…So instead I will say I had a “setback”. Needless to say, I feel like I failed. Giving in to E.D. yesterday was extremely discouraging for me. I have been so much better about letting my own voice overpower the voice of the E.D. Yes, that voice is still there and is still really loud in my head everyday, but I have learned to tell myself that it is not my voice. 

I know the only way to make me feel better is to get my “setback” off of my chest. It is difficult enough to admit this to myself; much less to my family, friends, or even strangers who may read this post. I have to do this in order to succeed in this journey, so here goes nothing: (I am writing this in a low volume, scared voice)…… Last night, I ate a palm-full of chocolate chips. They were dark chocolate, yes, but to E.D. it meant FAT! That voice kept saying, “Kirby, you must get rid of this immediately. You are going to be in a bikini this weekend, do you want to be the fattest girl on the beach?” I tried to be strong and tell E.D. to back off, I am allowed to treat myself on occasion. E.D. replied back, “No Kirby. Normal people are allowed, but you are too fat. You cannot have anything like this. Go throw it up now.” 

At this point, I couldn’t stay strong. I tried so hard, but I let E.D. win. Afterwards, I felt so guilty and bad about myself. How could I have done this? I had stopped doing this and finally could control these urges. But this time, I gave in. At first, I was so mad at myself, then I realized I needed to be mad at E.D. It was that voice that took over, so I have now let it go. I should not hold these “setbacks” against myself, these things will happen during my journey to recovery. 

Writing about this “setback” has made me feel so much better. Instead of keeping everything bottled up inside, I know I will feel free if I just let them out. Therapy is great, but on here I can write everything without having to look at anyone. I don’t have to worry about judgement. But family and friends reading this: PLEASE PLEASE do not bring this up to me!! I do not want to talk about it, I just want you all to know what I am going through on a daily basis. Support and love is what I need right now. 

Moral of this lesson: This is not a failure! You will take steps back on your journey to moving forward!

Your are stronger than you think

You are stronger than you believe you are, or at least stronger than your eating disorder allows you to believe you are!
I discovered this for myself tonight. Here’s how I came to writing this post….
I was the only one left awake. Mom had so kindly gotten me left over chocolate cheesecake from her and dads anniversary dinner. (So mom if you are reading this, this is not your fault). This cheesecake is all that was on my mind. I was allowing the eating disorder voice to consume me with different approaches to eating it. The voice said, “just eat it all Kirby, you can throw it up after.” Noooooo, doing this would just feed into my eating disorder… Allowing it to take control again. So I told myself to eat 2-3 bites and put it away! Ofcourse as I did this, that voice told me that if I didn’t throw up those bites, I’d be even fatter. This time I almost headed to the bathroom to do as I was told. As I walked in I looked in the mirror, seeing how big I am, and almost did it. Then I head myself say, “don’t do it. You will only be giving ED his way and you will feel guilty. It will not make you feel better.”
Well, here I am about to go to sleep and I didn’t do it!!! For the first time I was able to stop myself, and hear my own voice over the voice of ED! Ah I am strong enough to fight this. Tomorrow is another day in the life of a girl struggling to overcome her eating disorder… But I know every day I only get closer! You are strong enough!

STAY STRONG

AHH these words seem like so little but mean so much. These words describe something I am trying to do, especially today. I chose to write these words because today (well honestly all weekend) I struggled with negativity. My body became my target and food became my enemy. I could not stop stressing about the amount of food I ate.

I think I was so obsessed because I was in a bikini all weekend. I tried to quiet the eating disorder voice down, and tell myself I am fine, I am not “fat”. But that negative voice that tries to make me think I am never good enough, would not go away. Every mirror I passed I felt myself staring, scolding myself for the food I ate, and criticizing every little body part. WHY MUST I DO THIS???

Fighting this voice is still a struggle for me, it is my biggest struggle. I try to just tell it to leave me alone so I can enjoy my day. This weekend and today, I tried that skill. There were moments where I succeeded in pushing this voice to the back of my brain. I was so proud of myself when I was able to do this. But the other times seemed to overwhelm me and I would forget about my previous success in this task. This is something I need to do more!!!! Pushing the eating disorder/negative voice away and letting Kirby in.

I want to be happy, I DESERVE to be happy!! (wow that was hard to say). Praying for a better day tomorrow! I hope everyday this battle only gets better. If everyday I can just push that voice away and hear myself again, if only one time, I can see a brighter, happier, healthier future for me and anyone else who may be going through this.

STAY STRONG!!! I can and I will overcome this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feelings

well, where to begin?…. I was having a tough day yesterday. Feeling very down about myself, you know that voice again! It’s hard not to let it control my thoughts about myself, but I am working on it of course!!! and getting better at it every day. But, yesterday as I said was a difficult day. Every time I looked in a mirror, the voice was in my thoughts saying…”Kirby, you really need to exercise.”.. but I did run, so that’s crazy right? Then it would say, “Kirby you look really fat today. You should probably skip dinner.” Ah I admit it, I did eat very little dinner. Kirby knows that’s bad, but the voice took over and made me feel guilty about eating even lunch. So of course I didn’t eat much dinner at all. And my mom knew I didn’t, which was embarrassing, because I don’t want her to worry about me. AHHH it feels so good to get my feelings out.

On a good note, My friend Josh was with me last night. After having a bad day, he completely made me feel 10 times better. What would I do without my best friends and family???

Now back to feelings…lets see..today is tough. Feeling down about myself and cant stop pinching my “fat”. Why do I torture myself more by doing this? Anyone who has been through this knows how difficult it is to stop even though you know it is only making you feel worse. AHHH Kirby is screaming inside me to stop torturing myself.