Ah, I haven’t posted in a long time. Perhaps it is because I have been busy. That’s what I have told myself anyways. But the truth is, I have been struggling again. I have taken a detour from my recovery. It feels good to admit this fault, this step back in my recovery. But don’t worry, I still have a strong will to beat this thing, to get E.D. out of my head once and for all. E.D. has gained more control, I am allowing him to talk me down more and more, but today I need to bring my strong willed self back.
E.D. has almost won this battle before, and E.D. is trying to win again. Trying to gain full control over me so that I can only see the negative things about myself and only listen to him. But I am still in there. It’s as if E.D. is a demon trying to possess my mind. E.D. wants me to lose sight of my own voice, and go back to the time when I could only hear him. During this time, I thought the E.D. voice was my own. But now I can recognize E.D. and differentiate him from myself. This is a big step in the recovery of an eating disorder (still hard for me to admit).
This morning, I could hear E.D. He was telling me I look “fat” in my clothes so I should only eat a bite of food all day or I should just not eat at all. “Kirby, you drank alcohol this weekend! That stuff just sits on your stomach and makes you fat. I am glad you didn’t eat much yesterday, so continue that today. You have to be skinny.” –this is all I hear from him. All E.D. wants is for me to only get skinnier and skinnier, but when does it end? I will never be able to make E.D. happy. I will never be good enough for E.D.
So here I am, admitting I have fallen short. Telling myself I need to get back in this battle with E.D. I have to get back on the road to recovery. I know I have taken a slight detour, but once I admitted this, I know I am back. Today, I will eat a healthy amount of food and I will tell myself I am strong enough to finally end this unhealthy relationship with E.D. I have to end it so I can love myself again. Everyone deserves to be happy and comfortable in their own skin, even me!!!!!